Parents often strive to do their best for their children, but sometimes, their well-intentioned actions can lead to unintended consequences. Psychiatrist and bestselling author Daniel Amen has highlighted a critical parenting mistake that can result in what he describes as "mentally weak children." The mistake? Overdoing tasks or solving problems for children instead of allowing them to navigate challenges on their own. This approach can undermine a child’s mental resilience and independence, ultimately impacting their ability to handle adversity as they grow into adulthood.
Amen shared his insights during an episode of the "Built Different" podcast, emphasizing the importance of letting children face the consequences of their decisions. Whether it’s forgetting homework or not dressing appropriately for the weather, parents should resist the urge to swoop in and fix every problem. “When my daughter would forget her homework at home, nobody’s bringing it to school. If she didn’t bring a jacket on a cold day, even though her mother told her to, nobody’s bringing her the jacket,” Amen explained. These small, everyday situations teach children valuable lessons about responsibility and problem-solving.
One of the most critical points Amen makes is that parents should avoid stepping in to resolve their children’s boredom or discomfort. For instance, when a child says, “I’m bored,” the response shouldn’t be to entertain them immediately but rather to encourage them to find their own solutions. “It’s so important that when a child says, ‘I’m bored,’ rather than you fixing it, just say, ‘I wonder what you’re going to do about it,’” Amen suggested. He warns that when parents take on their children’s challenges, they inadvertently boost their own self-esteem at the expense of their child’s, robbing them of the opportunity to develop mental toughness.
Building mental resilience in children doesn’t require a “tough love” approach or harsh punishments. Instead, it involves creating an environment where kids can experience setbacks and mistakes while knowing they have the unconditional support and love of their parents. Tovah Klein, a child psychologist at Barnard College, shares a similar perspective. “I see it as a more empathic, connected approach,” Klein told CNBC Make It. “It’s a message of: ‘I trust you to get through this hard thing, and I’ll be here no matter how it goes, whether you win, whether you lose, whether you come in the middle. I’m here for you.’”
This approach strikes a balance between guiding children and allowing them the autonomy to face challenges. Shielding children from disappointment or failure, Klein noted, does not help them develop resilience. On the contrary, experiencing and overcoming difficult moments is essential for growth. It’s not about leaving children to fend for themselves but about providing a safety net of encouragement and support while allowing them to take ownership of their challenges.
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Another crucial element of fostering resilience is encouraging children to help those around them. The American Psychological Association (APA) emphasizes that giving kids responsibilities—whether through daily chores at home or acts of kindness toward friends and classmates—empowers them. This empowerment instills a sense of responsibility and confidence, enabling them to approach their own challenges with determination. The APA highlighted in a blog post that when children actively participate in contributing to their environment, they build a foundation for resilience and problem-solving skills.
Amen reinforces the idea that children develop mental toughness by working through their problems rather than having parents take over. “Let them begin to figure out their problems, or the solutions to their problems, rather than being overly involved with them,” he advised. While it may be tempting for parents to step in and ease their child’s discomfort, doing so can rob children of the chance to learn valuable life skills. These skills, cultivated through small daily experiences, become the foundation for handling larger challenges in adulthood.
It’s not about leaving children to struggle without guidance. Instead, parents should adopt a supportive but non-intrusive role. Klein suggests phrases like, “This might be hard, and I’ll be here when you’re done,” which communicate empathy and trust. This approach reinforces the idea that the parent believes in the child’s ability to navigate challenges and will be there for them regardless of the outcome. It’s a powerful message that builds both confidence and resilience.
The benefits of fostering independence and resilience in children extend beyond their immediate development. Research has shown that children who are encouraged to tackle challenges and make decisions independently are more likely to grow into happy, successful adults. Resilient children are better equipped to adapt to change, handle stress, and persevere through adversity—skills that are invaluable in both personal and professional spheres.
On the flip side, overprotective parenting, or “helicopter parenting,” can have long-term negative effects. Children who grow up with parents who constantly shield them from difficulties may struggle with decision-making, lack confidence, and experience higher levels of anxiety. They may also develop a sense of entitlement, expecting others to solve their problems for them. These tendencies can hinder their ability to function independently in adulthood.
One of the key aspects of fostering resilience is allowing children to experience natural consequences. For example, if a child forgets their homework, they may receive a lower grade. While this might feel uncomfortable for both the child and the parent, it teaches the child accountability and encourages better planning in the future. Similarly, if a child refuses to wear a jacket on a cold day, feeling the chill firsthand will likely reinforce the importance of listening to advice and making practical decisions.
These lessons are not just about the immediate consequences; they instill lifelong habits. When children learn to take responsibility for their actions and solve problems independently, they develop a stronger sense of self-worth. They come to see themselves as capable individuals who can navigate the ups and downs of life—a perspective that serves them well in adulthood.
Parents can also create opportunities for their children to build resilience by involving them in decision-making processes. For instance, allowing children to make choices about their daily routines, extracurricular activities, or even family outings gives them a sense of control and responsibility. These small decisions prepare them for larger, more complex choices later in life.
Encouraging children to contribute to the household is another effective way to build resilience. Assigning age-appropriate chores not only teaches responsibility but also fosters a sense of accomplishment. Whether it’s setting the table, folding laundry, or helping with meal preparation, these tasks help children feel like valuable members of the family. They also provide an opportunity to develop practical skills that will be essential as they grow older.
It’s important to note that building resilience doesn’t mean completely stepping back and letting children fend for themselves. Parental guidance and support remain crucial. The goal is to strike a balance—providing enough structure and support to ensure children feel secure while allowing enough freedom for them to face challenges independently. This delicate balance requires patience, empathy, and trust in the child’s abilities.
Parents should also model resilience in their own lives. Children learn a great deal by observing how their parents handle setbacks and challenges. Demonstrating a positive attitude, problem-solving skills, and perseverance in the face of adversity sets a powerful example. When parents share their own experiences of overcoming difficulties, it helps children understand that setbacks are a normal part of life and can be overcome with effort and determination.
Ultimately, fostering resilience in children is a long-term investment in their future. It requires a shift in mindset—from seeing immediate success as the ultimate goal to recognizing the value of struggle and growth. By allowing children to experience and overcome challenges, parents equip them with the tools they need to thrive in an unpredictable world. As Amen aptly puts it, “Humans develop mental toughness by solving problems.” Giving children the opportunity to do so is one of the greatest gifts a parent can offer.
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